Kevin`s Strait Jacket

Rejected Cartoons

2011-08-28T06:56:00.000-07:00

The sad deterioization of Don Hertzfeldt, cartoonist:

The Texas News

2011-08-25T18:24:00.000-07:00

Cow Humor
This is NOT a Cock and Bull Story!

Cow Humor, we were moooooved! to learn that a US highway was shut down because of a bull semen spill! What a waste!

(Pictured above, a horny bull)
Texas News
"A spill of frozen bull semen bound for a breeder in the state of Texas triggered a scare that temporarily shut down a US interstate highway during the morning rush hour.

Kevs Twisted Humor

2011-08-25T18:21:00.001-07:00

Kevs Twisted Humor
Welcome to Kevs Twisted Humor!

Who the heck is Kev? And why is he twisted?

I don`t know why I am twisted. It may be growing up near Vancouver. That DDT spraying they did on the fields in Delta decades ago? Having a liar, ....oops, I mean lawyer for a brother.

Having a skin doctor (who would experiment on,...oops treat his children),for a father, and a comedian/housewife for a mother.

My other brother is a very funny doctor. I mean that in a good sense.

It could have been that pop I drank. (Soda) for the Americans.

Kevs Twisted Humor - A Little Kev History

Cute Japanese Girl Warning!

2011-08-24T18:45:00.000-07:00

Cute Japanese Girl

Cute Japanese Girl Warning!

"Many otherwise perfectly good international relationships have ended instantly, when the Japanese partner opened up and started to eat the squid jerky! If you have never smelt squid jerky, it beats natto hands down, natto is for wimps. Squid jerky can be used by butt cleavage showing car mechanics as a paint solvent at car repair shops, it will singe your nostrils, and coat them with a fishy smell that will last for days."

--Kevin R Burns (the Japan Guy not the MMA guy, this websites guy!)

Read More

Bull semen spill shuts down US highway

2011-08-23T21:02:00.000-07:00

A spill of frozen bull semen bound for a breeder in the state of Texas triggered a scare that temporarily shut down a US interstate highway during the morning rush hour.

The incident began when the driver of a Greyhound bus carrying the freight alerted the fire department he had lost a part of his load while negotiating the ramp on a highway near Nashville.

"We didn't know what it was, but we were told (the canisters) were non-toxic," said Maggie Lawrence, a fire department spokeswoman. Bovine Spunk Story Continued

Apparently the driver lost his load. Brings back memories. Yepper, I still remember the day I lost my load on I5. The good news is, a few pretty hefers next to the highway are now with child!!!!!

"Geez Martha, what the hell did ya put in this here coffee, God damn it tastes like Beef Semen!!!!"

"Strange, Bill doesn`t have second cups of Martha`s coffee...."

All Zombies Must Die!!!!!!

2011-08-16T20:06:00.000-07:00

Halloween Humor, All Zombies must die! I came by this political argument naturally. I think it is more apt than most of what the Republicans, the Democrats and the Tea Party espouse! I mean, come on! I`m like the next guy, I try to give Zombies the benefit of the doubt, Obama argues for tolerance, and on this he says...

Syria has a father!???

2011-05-05T14:26:00.000-07:00

"Syria urged by father to release journalist daughter,"-CBC

The country of Syria has a father? Who is the father? Jordan? And who is the mother? Libya? Does Syria have siblings too? Do they get along? Does father love one of them best? I just can`t stop obsessing about this!!!!!

Do they go on vacations to Europe together? Is there a hotel big enough for all of them? Oh God, stop, stop, stop it mind!!! I gotta work!

http://www.cbc.ca/news/world/story/2011/05/04/syria-assad-siege.html

Dick in a Box

2011-05-04T01:58:00.001-07:00

Musings by Kevin R. Burns

2011-04-26T16:11:00.001-07:00

Mystery of Titanic`s unknown child solved! Turns out it was actually me! And I am really 99 years old, but I look great for my age!

I try to keep my mind open, that was until that day, I got some dust in it.

George Carlin - The American Dream

2011-04-26T04:24:00.001-07:00

5 DEADLY TERMS USED BY A WOMAN

2011-04-21T02:55:00.001-07:00

5 DEADLY TERMS USED BY A WOMAN. (1) FINE - this is the word women use to end an argument when they know they are RIGHT & YOU need to SHUT UP. (2) NOTHING - means SOMETHING & u need to be WORRIED. (3) GO AHEAD - this is a dare, not permission, DO NOT DO IT. (4) WHATEVER - is a woman's way of saying F**K YOU. (5) THAT'S OK - she is thinking long & hard on HOW & WHEN you will pay for your mistake.

--from a post at Facebook

Family Law- Child Custody

2011-04-09T17:18:00.001-07:00

Comedy - In Living Color - Parody Vanilla Ice - Jim Carrey

2011-04-06T18:39:00.001-07:00

Damn!...I think I been mutated!!!

2011-04-04T21:25:00.000-07:00

I think I been mutated!!!!

by Kevin R. Burns

20,20,20 - 4 hours ago,... I think I bin mutated!!!

But my wife thinks its a real improvement, from when - we dated!!!

Just get me to the airport on a cargo plane

Hurry hurry hurry before I GLOW in vain!

I can`t control my fingers I can`t control my brain

Oh no no no no!!!!

Read More!!!!

Well worth watching! United Nations

2011-02-21T20:17:00.000-08:00

On bed bugs, the treatment of women and more.

United Nations

Been Working Out

2011-01-25T18:16:00.001-08:00

Been working out lately, I have found in the past that I didn`t get much results, but since I have
put on this outrageous Austrian accent, my muscles are bulging, babes are talking to me,
and I have this strange desire to govern Kalifornia!

Family Guy: Laughing At The Lighter Side Of Life

2010-12-21T01:17:00.001-08:00

Family Guy: Laughing At The Lighter Side Of Life
by: Anita Agrawal

There have been very few shows which have been able to hold their own like Family Guy against a wave of controversies that has been hurled towards them ever since the show’s inception.

An animated take on the modern American family of today, the lead character of the show features Peter Griffin- a fat, lazy, unintuitive husband with an average job who goes more by the heart than his head. Presented in stark contrast is his wife Lois- the attractive, logically thinking wife representing the fantasy of all American males. They have two kids Chris and Meg who different two shades of teenage cravings and the talking dog Brian is the source of illuminating wisdom in the house full of madcap mishaps.

However, the star laurels of Family Guy rest on one and one person alone. Stewie Griffin plays an one year old homoerotic baby who dreams of world domination and plans to kill his mother. His dialogues are laced with layered intelligence and sarcastic humor at its pinnacle making him come in direct comparison to other legendary animated kids like Bart and Lisa from the Simpsons and Eric Cartman from the equally controversial South Park.

What sets the show apart is its approach to modern day life that dabbles in between scathing social commentary and unrelated pop culture gags culminating in a laugh riot parodying modern sensibilities. It night lack character depth like the Simpsons or the intellectual wit of South Park, but has a loyal fan following of its own making it the only TV show to come back after being cancelled by FOX.

Seth MacFarlane, the creator of the show has often come under a line of fire for a number of issues. Peter Griffin has been labeled as a Homer Simpson clone by most Simpson loyalists while several have complained about the irrelevant nature of cut away pop culture shots without any context to the plot.

The biggest issue however lies in the Family Guy vs. Sarah Palin debate that takes the effect of such shows on modern society on a much deeper context. Sarah Palin, the former Governor of Alaska and 2008 vice presidential candidate took on the writers of Family Guy by calling them “heartless jerks” for their portrayal of a girl with Down Syndrome in one of the episodes.

The controversial episode shows Chris wooing a girl called Ellen with the syndrome who replies during a dinner date that her father is an accountant and her mother is the former governor of Alaska, a subtle jab towards Palin herself whose youngest son Trig has Downs Syndrome.

The Family Guy vs. Sarah Palin controversy sparked a huge debate on the portrayal of disability on television and the limit of the “offend everyone” principles such shows are aimed at. Seth MacFarlane commented saying he was proud of the character Ellen who was headstrong and dynamic despite the Syndrome and Andrea Fay Friedman, the women with Down syndrome who voiced the character said she did not find it an insult to have the disease unlike Palin who carried Trig around for sympathy and votes.

Palin and her daughter Bristol launched a verbal tirade against the show making it one of the biggest television controversies in the history of Family Guy and American sitcoms.

About The Author
Anita Agrawal is a freelance writer for online publications and writes for family enjoyment and child education. If you truly want to have some fun and laughter, go to this Kid-Friendly Website: http://www.familyfuncartoons.com A top line resource on clean humor for young families with lots of things for kids to do.

The author invites you to visit:
http://www.familyfuncartoons.com

Our Need For William Shatner

2010-12-13T16:41:00.001-08:00

Our Need For William Shatner
by: Kenneth McCormick

In the old days, well old days to you but not such old days to me, certain actors and actresses would become so popular that they would go on seemingly forever in films, until they were not able to do the job any longer or died. Some of these people were Henry Fonda, John Wayne, Jimmy Stewart and others. This was said to be attributed to their great skill at acting. We would watch one of their movies and say things like, wow he still has it. That was a complement which meant he still was a great actor. These names were so powerful that when they would appear on a movie marquee, many people would rush to see the movie, just because a certain person was in it. I guess you would have to say that this was the golden age of movies. Then something very profound happened. Television started to become popular. With television however, it was much harder to attain this type of status, although in the beginning a few did like Milton Berle and Jack Benny, two comedians. Then it happened, one person came on to the scene in the sixties and his fame is still with us to day.

William Shatner was not an actor that you would put into the class of a Fonda, Taylor, or Bogart. He never claimed that he was. He began his acting career in 1950. He was born in 1931 and kept his real name which is very unusual. His full name is William Alan Shatner and as most people know, he was born in Canada. His grandfather was Wolf Schattner and anglicized the family name to Shatner. Shatner was raised in the conservative Jewish religion. When I said that Shatner was not in the class of Fonda and others, this was not to say that he was not a good actor. He was trained as a classical Shakespearean actor and appeared in the Stratford Festival of Canada in Stratford, Ontario. There is something about Shatner's personality that seems to make us like to watch him. I don't know the man since I have never met him, but he does come across like a very likeable person. I remember watching him recently on an interview show that he had on cable and he interviewed Leonard Nimoy. Icouldn't pull myself away from it. Does Shatner have some power over us that we are not aware of?

There are still a few of us around that remember the Howdy Doody Show. It was a very early tv show for children that featured a marionette as Howdy Doody. Shatner played Ranger Bob in the Canadian Version. Shatner did have some experience in the movies and was in the movie, The Brothers Karamazov. He played the younger brother. The film featured many big names of the time such as Yul Brynner, Lee J. Cobb, Richard Basehart, Albert Salmi, Maria Schell, Clare Bloom and others. Although Shatner made many movies other than Star Trek, I do not believe that is where his popularity arose from. It came initially from television. He made at least a couple of the original Twilight Zones, which are constantly being shown on television. He also did many voices, but when he became the fearless Captain Kirk of the star ship Enterprise, his career was really born. As strange as it seems, he probably didn't know it at the time, because the series was canceled after about 90 + episodes, but enjoyed and still enjoys constant re-runs.

Millions of people have grown up watching Shatner perform some hammy acting at times in the series, but there was that something that he had that made every episode enjoyable. The show began to have a life of its own. Star Trek conventions began to appear everywhere and suddenly everything Star Trek became collectable. Kirk (William Shatner) started to appear in small plastic statue form in all different Star Trek toys. People did not seem to be able to get enough of him. Then came the Star Trek movies. Shatner seemed to have perfected his acting ability to the point where it was even more enjoyable in the films than it had been on the tv screen. The first movie was Star Trek: The Motion Picture. Actually it wasn't very good. The next film however was considered one of the best and that was Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. The other films featuring the original cast were Star Trek III: The Search for Spock, Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, StarTrek VI: The Undiscovered Country. The last Star Trek film that Shatner was to appear in was Star Trek: Generations.

We were all at a point now where we needed to see Shatner again. It had been some time since he had appeared on television. Before I get into that I have to tell you that Shatner received or was nominated for numerous awards for his acting. Here is a list of them:

2005 Golden Globe: Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Television - Winner

1999 Emmy: Outstanding Guest Actor in a Comedy Series - Nominee

2004 Emmy: Outstanding Guest Actor in a Drama Series - Winner

2005 Emmy: Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series - Winner

2006 Emmy: Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series - Nominee

2007 Emmy: Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series - Nominee

2008 Golden Globe: Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Television - Nominee

2008 Emmy: Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series - Nominee

2009 Emmy: Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series - Nominee

Shatner was featured in several television series. They were the $10,000 Pyramid, 3rd Rock from the Sun, Battle of the Network Stars, Dr. Kildare, T.J. Hooker, The Defenders, The Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn and the Practice. He also has been the guest star on shows over 260 times and growing. He has appeared in over 52 movies as either an actor or voice. To this we have to add that he produced some shows and directed some episodes of shows.

At 79 years old, as of the writing of this article, Shatner is not finished yet and currently has a new show to fulfill our need to see him, it is called Shatner's Raw Nerve and appears on the Bio channel. It is basically an interview show where a guest comes on and is asked interesting questions by Shatner. It may not be the same as watching Shatner fight a lizard looking alien using only whatever is at hand, but he is getting a little long in the tooth for that. I guess we will just have to satisfy our Shatner needs without the action that used to accompany them. An old Shatner is better than no Shatner at all.

Ken is the webmaster of Http://aboutfacts.net an interesting, free Internet magazine that is suitable for the entire family.

Copyright © 2010 by About Facts Net and its licenseors. All rights reserved. Permission is granted to reprint this article as long as the article is unchanged and all links are left intact including the biography.About The Author

Ken is the webmaster of http://aboutfacts.net an interesting, free Internet magazine that is suitable for the entire family.

The author invites you to visit:
http://aboutfacts.net

Red Hooded Sweatshirt

2010-12-06T23:43:00.001-08:00

Being in Japan in Wintertime Means......

2010-12-06T18:04:00.000-08:00

Being in Japan in Winter Means

Seeing your breath when you get up in the morning.

Cracking the ice so the tidy bowl man isn't stranded.

The cockroaches no longer try to enter your apartment, they did survive the dinosaurs andthey aren't that stupid, it's

Read More

Trololo ReDub by Brett Lee Movies

2010-12-06T04:51:00.000-08:00

Amazingly my friend wasn`t fired after teaching this Lesson (Bottom)

2010-12-04T18:51:00.001-08:00

Comedy about Teaching

Be Careful with those Allergy Meds!
Comedy - antihistamine can be very strong!

This is what happened to a good friend of mine. (I love his hair incidentally!) He has allergies and he ODed on his allergy meds. Read More

My Day

2010-11-30T04:34:00.000-08:00

I fell into a vat of acid the other day, but fortunately I had been through a twelve step
meditation program and emerged without a scratch. I hate when that happens!

What a day!

Old Japanese Men

2010-11-25T01:06:00.000-08:00

Are otherwise known as the Scrunchies!

Dangerous Farm Animals

2010-11-19T18:55:00.000-08:00

The following information, IT could save your life!

Dangerous farm animals
Whats more dangerous, a Sheep, a Chicken, or a Donkey? This is a question nearly everyone has to ask themselves, and the answer, for all you stupid city people is the Chicken and the Donkey, the Sheep, well hes just plain stupid as we all know.

Every year more people are killed by donkeys then in plane crashes. Donkeys, with their big teeth and big ears are extreamly dangerous and should be avoided at all costs. Donkeys normally kill people by rolling on top of them (the horny bastards) and squashing them so they then become flat like pancakes.

Have you ever noticed the faster a chicken runs while making a book book noise or whatever noise a chicken makes, the faster it's head moves? Talk about evil!!!! Chickens also tend to attack gumboots with red on them! The second your in the same area as chickens with red gumboots they close in for the kill, before you know it hundreds of chickens are pecking at your gumboots trying to eat your feet. Pamela was attacked by chickens. One minute she was holding a chicken hostage, tormenting it, the next, she was running away from 10s of chickens flyig after her, she jumped a fence landed in cutting grass and had 10s of chickens pecking and biting at her legs!!!!!

Sheep, the fluffy white stupid things you see running around paddocks in the country. People are always commenting on their brains too "Sheep have a brain the size of a Pea" or "Sheep are so stupid, they have no brains!" It's only natural someone shall say this. Sheep are really fucking stupid things that dont listen! They also have brains, quite big ones seeing their heads are rather small. How do i know this? Well, we have Sheep brains sitting in our freezer (God only knows why, I think someone was planning on eatting them) They just don't use them, but it's probably becuase Sheep grow up around negative comments of their brains, so of course, its only natural for them to think "We dont have brains" before running off the edge of a cliff (89% of sheep die like that) Sheep in Scottland faint if you jump out at them, Scottish Sheep are highly jumpy and faint alot.

Well there you have it, the dangerous and stupid farm animals of New Zeland

-Liz-
http://www.angelfire.com/nt/BifFly/Animals.html

A Kafkaesque Grad Reunion in Vancouver

2010-11-18T01:16:00.000-08:00

A Kafkaesque Grad Reunion in Vancouver

by Kevin R. Burns

The anticipation is almost nauseating as I head towards the golf club where my twenty year high
school reunion will take place. I am almost shaking. I try to do a meditation type breathing exercise to
calm myself but it doesn't work very well while walking. I enter the building and push three in the elevator.
The doors open and a retired Canada Customs clerk is the greeter for our class reunion.
"Your name?"
"Kevin Burns."
"Place of residence?"
"Japan."
"Purpose of visit?"
"Well, it's my class reunion."
"Class reunion eh, got anything to declare, any valuables, tobacco, firearms, things of that nature?"
"No, nothing."
"Will you be visiting a farm during your stay?"
"Tonight?"
"Yes tonight, and I ask the questions!"
"No sir."
"All right, have a good night and stay away from the garlic dip if you want to talk to any of your friends. Next!"

Read More

Family Guy

2010-01-10T00:34:00.000-08:00

Watch live video from wig5 on Justin.tv

"Gaijin ga Kusai"

2009-09-12T16:39:00.001-07:00

"Gaijin ga Kusai"

I often go for a walk. I don`t smell (to my knowledge) I am clean enough--showered that day. I don`t wear cologne. And as my Japanese
listening ability has gotten better, I swear I hear the word "kusai,"
often right at the moment when I am passing (usually two) young guys either in their teens or early twenties. The word is usually said
in a kind of muffled manner and it is said suddenly, right when I am
abreast of them (right when I am passing them).

The young guys are usually very small. I don`t usually hear it from
young big guys. It is usually young tiny guys that say it.

This phenomenon doesn`t seem to occur when I pass men in their thirties or older, tall men, and I have never heard a Japanese woman utter it when I pass them. I have never heard children utter it
when I pass either.

But it does happen once or twice a year when I pass young Japanese men
often in a pair or more--never alone, and they are usually under
5` 7."

Do young tiny, Japanese men have especially sensitive noses? Or could I be all wrong? Does the particular gaijin aroma waft downwards to the noses of petite Japanese men?

Does anyone else experience this interesting phenomenon?

My Japanese wife doesn`t mind my odor unless I have eaten Mexican
that day, then the whole house minds.....

The Mom Song

2009-01-23T17:50:00.000-08:00

The Mom Song--well worth
a listen! Send the link to your Mom!

The Evils of Gay Marriage

2009-01-11T20:16:00.000-08:00

Gay Marriage

Bowling with Little Kids

2009-01-06T00:10:00.000-08:00

Took the kids bowling
today and yesterday. My son Sennah got a strike with his first ever
bowling shot!!!! He also beat all of us his first game ever and
I`m actually not a bad bowler for someone who doesn`t play
so often. It was ten pin, large ball bowling so tough for the kids
to play, but Sennah scored 106 to my 103! Even Shanaya finished
with 98! She got a strike on her last ball then followed with a
bonus spare!

I kicked butt in the second game though! I got 100. I think
Sennah and Shanaya`s arms had tired out by then. The trick
to beating up on little kids in bowling is to put your money on the
second and third games. The first game is too tough as they are
still fresh.

I think I made over 10,000 yen by betting on the second and third
games!

Subbuteo Table Soccer

2008-12-06T07:54:00.000-08:00

Comedy Video about table soccer

Applause for the Jerk Drain!

2008-09-29T19:52:00.000-07:00

by: Kevin Burns

The Hidden Benefit of Canada's continuing brain drain

These days, Canadians often lament the brain drain. There is a silver lining however. What about the jerk drain? With every Air Canada plane load of brains departing Canadian shores, there are a gaggle of jerks amongst them. In a drunken slur they demand, "Get me another double honey!," on their flights to London, Tokyo, and Los Angeles. Good riddance I say! And I ask you, does Stats Canada keeps statistics on how many jerks are leaving Canada and annoying those poor helpless foreign folks abroad? Are those stats in English and French? Is the Canadian taxpayer saving money due to the flow of jerks abroad? Are any other countries exerting international pressure on Canada to stem the repugnant tide of jerks entering their nations? I have met many jerks while abroad, and I am proud to say that many have hailed from the Great White North. It may be the cold, harsh winters, or the rain of the coast, but we should be happy in knowing that we produce a lot of jerks-- for export.

I in fact live abroad. Just ask my poor suffering wife of 9 years. "He's a jerk!" states Ikumi. There you have it. I've been in Japan for over eleven years and I still butcher their language. My poor neighbours. I think some of them avoid me in embarassment--FOR ME. I always say Japanese is such a tough language to learn, but even my five year old can speak it better than I. Guilty as charged, I'm a jerk.

Take my brother--he's a lawyer. I could end it right there now couldn't I? Have you heard any good jokes lately?

... He's been out of Canada for years now, ridding the country of a thoroughly annoying person. This is the same guy who walks onto movie sets uninvited and gets paid to be an extra in the cocktail party shot. Sure he's interesting, but let's face it mom, dad, The Law Society; he's a jerk. I do love him though, oh there I go again, it's going all over my shoes! Wait...I'll get a tissue. Okay I'm back. Where was I? Oh yah...

Take the guy at the Thai beach hut resort, you know the really cheap ones. At these resorts they charge next to nothing for the hut, but hope you will eat and drink in their restaurant as that's how they make their money. Well, this jerk wasn't eating in the restaurant, and would only set foot in it to steal the sugars and creamers off the tables, then sneak back miserly to his hut to make his instant soup and coffee. He also stole the coconuts, another real no-no at beach resorts in general. This guy was the talk of the resort. My brother, you remember him right? He asked discriminatingly, "What part of America is that guy from?" "Vancouver," was the reply. Yep, another one of Canada's finest.

No don't knock the jerk drain. The UN has proclaimed Canada the most liveable nation on the planet for a few years now. I think it may be because we are relatively jerk free as compared to say America. The other thing is, when Canadian Jerks Abroad, (The CJA) act like jerks in London or Paris, no one thinks we're Canadians! We can't even tarnish Canada's image correctly! "Go back to America!" is what we frequently hear. I never correct them!

Kevin Burns

About The Author

Kevin Burns is a writer and entrepreneur from Vancouver, Canada. He can be found editing the following online magazines -- How to Teach English in Japan: http://www.how-to-teach-english-in-japan.com

Japan Living: http://www.eikaiwa1.com/jp.html

Kevin's English Schools http://www.eikaiwa1.com

Editors are free to use this article but must not alter the text nor the links. The links should be displayed live if possible.

The Danger that can Happen when you don`t Hyphenate your Domain Names!

2008-09-24T21:50:00.000-07:00

All of the following sites are legitimate and
non-adult related websites. Yet, the people who
set up these websites didn`t think to
hyphenate their domain names, and here are the results:

Who Represents
www.whorepresents.com

Do you want to exchange?
www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen?
www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist?
www.therapistfinder.com

5. There's the Italian Power Generator company
www.powergenitalia.com

6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales ,
www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always
www.ipanywhere.com

8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is
www.cummingfirst.com

9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at
their wacky Web site,
www.speedofart.com

--from the SBI--Site Build it Forums

Pikachu versus Godzilla

2008-09-21T19:34:00.001-07:00

Will Pikachu prevail against one of the most infamous
monsters ever to attack Tokyo?

Pikachu versus Godzilla

Godzilla versus Darth Vader

2008-09-21T19:30:00.000-07:00

Do you know the power of the force?

Darth Vader vs Godzilla

Simple Life: Bill Gates and Jerry Seinfeld live with the People

2008-09-21T19:00:00.000-07:00

Bill Gates and Jerry Seinfeld have a desire to connect with
real people. Here are the results:

Jerry & Bill

A Kafkaesque Grad Reunion in Delta,BC

2008-04-14T03:40:00.000-07:00

by Kevin Burns

The anticipation is almost nauseating as I head towards the golf club where my twenty year high
school reunion will take place. I am almost shaking. I try to do a meditation type breathing exercise to
calm myself but it doesn't work very well while walking. I enter the building and push three in the elevator.
The doors open and a retired Canada Customs clerk is the greeter for our class reunion.
"Your name?"
"Kevin Burns."
"Place of residence?"
"Japan."
"Purpose of visit?"
"Well, it's my class reunion."
"Class reunion eh, got anything to declare, any valuables, tobacco, firearms, things of that nature?"
"No, nothing."
"Will you be visiting a farm during your stay?"
"Tonight?"
"Yes tonight, and I ask the questions!"
"No sir."
"All right, have a good night and stay away from the garlic dip if you want to talk to any of your friends. Next!"

The metal detector goes off as I walk in and I am forced to give up my watch to a large guy named Guido.
I didn't argue. He hands me a portable lie detector.
"What's this for?" I stammer.
"All the grads have one, it's so we'll all stay on the level. We don't want any Romy and Michelle stuff going
on tonight. This is a quality affair."
"Alright gotcha."

God I walk in, and all the women are now blondes, even the Asian women. I go up to the bar and to my
horror they are only serving American beer. I opt for water which all Canadians know amounts to the same
thing.

Before the reunion I had this nightmare. All my friends were retired and I was still the stockboy at Canadian tire.
I explained to them, "I get free clothes with every set of tires I buy." They weren't impressed. Thankfully it was
only a nightmare.

WWF is playing on the TV monitor and many of the guys are gathered round it cheering, explaining the woman
pounding that guy in the corner is from Surrey. She obviously isn't from South Surrey or that would have been
pointed out.

Boy what a strange reunion and I haven't even really talked with anyone yet, other than the surly former
Canada Customs clerk from Hell's Gate. I go and get seconds of those cute little sandwiches. The waitress
walks by me and says, "pig." I could walk out now, but oh no---- it's Martha, the most boring grad ever. Plants wilt
when she talks to them. She's really nice but she clogs up the conversation arteries with her incredibly dry as
a desert stories about Moose Kidney, Saskatchewan. Don't get me wrong, Moose Kidney is a swingin' town in
it's own way, but the woman talks and talks about people I don't know, nor care about. I don't want to know
the details of Uncle Herbert's hernia operation.

The homecoming queen walks in with her cane. She's a big assed lesbian but her biker girlfriend is gorgeous.
My attention is drawn away from her though, Guido the killer pimp is voted most successful Grad. I realize he is
the one wearing my watch. Ha ha, the last laugh is on him, it's a Casio!

I change my mind about getting thirds of the cute little sandwiches when I realize the entymologist has proudly
displayed his bug collection next to them. He explains the intricacies of every bug and our aging principal falls
asleep in the tuna casserole. I try to liven up the proceedings with a bug joke, "I had African Sicklets once, but I
got over it." No one laughs. I slink off and try to find out what time it is. No one seems to be wearing a watch
except for Guido the killer pimp. I wonder how he made all that money?

It can't be, it's the beautiful Jennifer, the one I pined for, the one I dreamed of during grade 10 chemistry class
and really every other class too. No wonder I could never concentrate in school. I go up to her.
"Jennifer I had the biggest crush on you in grade 10."
"Sorry I don't remember you."
"That's okay. Would you please excuse me? I have to go outside and step in front of a bus."

I'm crushed and try to console myself by talking with my best friend Shane. He pats me on the back and says,
"You look exactly the same." Which loses its' impact because he can't stop laughing. So I've lost a little hair
and gained a few pounds. He still has a pug nose!

I leave Shane and go up to some grads I never really talked to during high school. I introduce myself and the lie
detector starts ringing. The damn thing won't stop! I feel my face turning red and all the grads gather round me,
staring at me accusingly. The principal wakes up from his entymologically induced slumber, and staggers up to me;
(not realizing he has tuna casserole all over his face). The absurdity of the situation causes me to laugh hysterically.
Principal Stebbings asks: "Is there anything you'd like to tell us young man?"

I'm saved when Martin Epp draws the attention off me as he grabs the mic and proclaims, "I've seen God and he lives
in Surrey." All the lie detectors immediately go off, except mine. This quasi-religious experience ends when
Martin is dragged off by Guido to the principal's office, where he must listen to Barry Manilou for the rest of the night.
I remember thinking, I couldn't survive that kind of treatment.

Principal Stebbings grabs the mic and gives a short speech, he draws the loudest applause when he states:
"I'm so proud of this grad class, as half of you are out of prison." Guido doesn't look pleased. Perhaps he
mistook the bug collection for the hor d'oerves.

That can't be, not it isn't,... Paula Smith, the most beautiful girl at school is now the size of a Smythrite. No bigger than a
Smythrite, that was a typo.

I check the TV monitor, and the girl from Surrey has won the bout and now there's one of those cheap Canadian TV
commercials on--you know the one's where the owner has paid and starred in it himself."I'm High Profit Pete,
and have we got a deal for you! Look at all these cars. Feeling strapped for cash? Don't worry,
you don't pay this year, you don't pay next year, you don't pay ever! We gotta be crazy, we're just givin' them away!"

Some men in white suits come on screen and drag High Profit Pete away.

I lick my wounds and I decide to leave. I gotta get up early and find High Profit Pete's used car lot in the morning.